Feedback to feed forwards?

I was asked for some feedback this week.

I reframed - I actually try not to give feedback, but I will offer insights.

Why?

To me, feedback hasn't always felt like a gift. The phrase 'Can I give you some feedback?' still strikes a sense of dread.

And I wonder: how many times do we accept feedback as gospel, sometimes do we seek it for validation rather than insight and is there a different way to look at it all?

I remember going and asking for feedback once, only to be told that I was going to fail.

I was 6 months into an architecture degree, with another 6 and a half years to go.

At this point, I thought I’d never failed - and never would. How naïve I was!

And then came my course leader, Dorian, dishing the harsh feedback that I just wasn't cut out for the course.

I responded to this ‘gift’ in three ways: first I blindly accepted his judgement as the authority. Then I got angry. Finally, I got really sad.

But then I used this feedback to feed a path forwards.

The realisation that I was chasing a goal I didn’t actually want came first. I hadn't spent years dreaming of being an architect. I had merely wanted to follow the path that everyone had told me I should - choose a vocational degree.

And whilst it felt harsh and devastating at the time, it wasn’t failing.

It was course-correcting. Literally, switching to English, a degree I loved…why else would I write such wordy posts!

The anger, though aimed at the feedbacker at first, was really at myself - for abandoning what I knew deep down gave me energy and joy and letting others' validation matter more than my own feelings.

The sadness was short lived, and a much better trade off than the despair of wasting what would have been a quarter of my life to that point on something that was not for me.

I could have rejected the feedback, pushed on, and made a success of it. But whilst the delivery was unsupportive and clumsy, I used the sentiment as fuel.

And a forever reminder that words and the delivery of words really matter.

So when receiving feedback I now ask myself:

❔ Is this feedback for me or about me? The distinction is important. Sometimes it tells more about the other person than about yourself.

❔ Can this help me stay focussed on what truly matters, or can it help me course correct and feed forwards into something different?

And when asking for feedback?

✅ Be Clear. Why do you want it. Is it code for 'please tell me I am doing ok...' or is it genuine insight you seek?

✅ Be Specific. Rather than 'can I have some feedback?', perhaps 'how do you see me limiting myself?' Or ‘here’s how I’m feeling about this, can you share what you see from your perspective?’.

This way perhaps it invites insights, not validation or judgement.

And to pass on an insight shared with me, #feedback is like a jumper your granny has knitted you - yes, it's a gift - but it doesn't mean you need to wear it.